THE ROYALE GAME

All hail the fair Gods of Sport. Hail them! (Especially those gods who have managed to edge the cricket sideways!)
Where the Festive Season televiewing was dominated by the Great Paint Drying Contest between two countries who, on an ordinary day, would not give each other a thought, the pendulum is swinging now towards Hopman’s more lively contest.

And that has turned my own thoughts to a time when I was known to wield a pretty mean racquet….

ANYONE FOR TENNIS?

D.J.Patmore © 2004

I know you might not think so, but I used to be athletic.
It’s just recent lack of exercise that’s made my body look pathetic.

I joined a local tennis club, for social games, on Monday.
I’d get fit and make new friends at a hit ‘n’ giggle fun day.

And fun it was, until we heard what happened to poor Peg
She’d fallen off her bike and pulled a tendon in her leg.

“The competition first round draw’s next week! Oh, God! We’ll need a stand-in!”
The captain said: “Please say you’ll play!”And Muggins here said: “Well, OK. ” (Just to keep my hand in.)

In the first match I was partnered by a heavyweight called Sheila
Who barged her way around the court like a mad, bee-stung Blue Heeler.

And when her drop shot clipped the tape, I heard a dreadful scream
Of most unladylike abuse – from someone on my team!

We’d won some hard-fought points and held the final set at deuce
When the umpire missed a foot fault __and then all hell broke loose.

Oaths were hurled and racquets flung. There was Holy Invocation.
And from supporters on the sideline, jars of sportsman’s embrocation!

If the first match was a nightmare, the second one was worse,
Involving fisticuffs between a waitress and a nurse.

It took a while to calm them down. And a bucket of cold water.
The funny thing about it was that they were mum and daughter!

The third match was my final
And I breathed a heart-felt sigh

When I read the draw and there I saw-
Our team had got a bye!

Now, I’ll happily play singles. Even Cut-throat or Mixed Doubles.
Some calls may be disputed, but we don’t have major troubles.

No, as far as I’m concerned, by far the greatest menace
Is mixing it with the rowdies in Ladies’ Competition Tennis!

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