ROAD SAFETY FOR BEGINNERS

While I attend to a backlog of work, here is a small amusement for you…
“A motor car is really preferable to a husband in many ways… it is more manageable and is such a delightful companion and form of amusement. If you take care of it, it remains true to you and responds to your every wish and whim”. So spoke Miss Allen to The Australian Motorist in 1914. www.slq.qld.gov.au/…/features/women_and_cars

LEARNER DRIVER

Grandma never drove the car
When Grandad was alive.
But on the day he passed away,
She thought she’d learn to drive.
She taught herself.

Well, she fiddled with the mirror
And adjusted its position.
Then, satisfied her hat was straight,
Turned the key in the ignition.
Nothing happened.

She knew to push a pedal,
But which one did the trick?
(Logic said: ’the left one.’)
And then she had to move the stick.
She chose “1”

Just as well that Grandad
Always parked it in reverse
Cos Grandma’s speed went straight to
A Ferrari from a hearse!
Still in “1”

She hurtled down the driveway,
Just in time, she swung the wheel,
For at the end, the gates were locked
And they were made of steel!
Solid bars.

She steered towards the paddock,
Missing Grandad’s dahlia bed.
But not an ugly plaster gnome;
Her fender smashed his head.
“Good riddance!”

Gran had changed to third by now
Which quite increased her rate.
And looming, fright’ning fast, the fence ___
Five strands of number eight.
Electrified!

In that field, a Jersey bull
Of evil reputation,
Saw the car as rival to
His bovine manly station.
He charged the fence.

Around the field and ‘round they went,
The Jersey and the Holden.
With graunching gears and gnathic froth
Til the western sky was golden.
Both determined.

They say it was a thrilling race,
She drove, her wheels a-fire.
Until the car was out of gas
And the bull was out of ire.
She taught herself.

© D.J.Patmore 2001


 

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This entry was posted in humour, poems by dinahmow. Bookmark the permalink.

About dinahmow

A New Zealander, currently living in tropical Queensland,Australia (with 2 cats and one Main Man).Old enough to remember George VI, white tennis balls and life-before-television.You want more? Read the blog!

4 thoughts on “ROAD SAFETY FOR BEGINNERS

  1. Hilarious! This reminds me of my husband’s grandmother, who never learned to drive. When her husband started to lose his sight, she still wouldn’t learn. Instead, she rode shotgun and told him when to stop, when to turn, etc. Frightening.

  2. i want to go from a hearse to a ferari too! matter of fact, i wish that for all of us!

    my aunt betty got her driver’s license at age 68 and got in at least six accidents before she walked away from her flipped car and decided to take a break.

  3. My grandmother was the driver in the family — my mom said she steered an old Graham Page (whatever that was!) back in the 1930s-40s through their New England neighborhood.

    And when the headlights went out, as they often did, she stuck a candle to the dashboard to navigate her way home — grannies are FEARLESS.

    Hope we all are at that stage.

    Funny, dinahmow, how we are all writing about Older Ladies this week — I know you saw my story about my own now-a-grandma mother!

    Yes, ma’am I’m back, a bit slower, but back still! happy new year!

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