This was in my e-mail box this morning. I thought I would share it with bloggers…
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that “it’s livable”. At least that’s what they think.
The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there’s NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it.
Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the
It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can’t seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders.
SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant.
Its main claim to fame is that it doesn’t have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles.
It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere .
Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it’s beautiful one day and perfect the next.
Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
The less said the better.
sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning.
And we’re the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing.
We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
I am, you are, we are Australian!
No other country has this distinction!