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AUSTRALIA DAY, JANUARY 26, 2007

12 Comments

This was in my e-mail box this morning. I thought I would share it with bloggers…

God bless Australia!
WE ARE ONE!

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but divided into many States.
VICTORIA
First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that “it’s livable”. At least that’s what they think.
The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
NEW SOUTH WALES


Next, there’s NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it.
Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

TASMANIA
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces.
It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can’t seem to beat no matter how often they try.

SOUTH AUSTRALIA

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders.
SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

WESTERN AUSTRALIA
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant.
Its main claim to fame is that it doesn’t have daylight saving because if it did,
all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
NORTHERN TERRITORY
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles.
It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere .
Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
QUEENSLAND
And there’s Queensland.
While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it’s beautiful one day and perfect the next.
Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
AUTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY
Oh yes and there’s Canberra.
The less said the better.
****************
We want to make “no worries mate” our national phrase, “she’ll be right mate” our national attitude and “Waltzing Matilda“ our national anthem (so what if it’s about a
sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning.
And we’re the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing.
Stand proud Aussies – we shoot, we root, we vote.
We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
I am, you are, we are Australian!
PS. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!!
No other country has this distinction!
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Author: dinahmow

A New Zealander, currently living in tropical Queensland,Australia (with 2 cats and one Main Man).Old enough to remember George VI, white tennis balls and life-before-television.You want more? Read the blog!

12 thoughts on “AUSTRALIA DAY, JANUARY 26, 2007

  1. Dinahmow, I really don’t know what to make of this. I do not want to say anything that may be offensive and I won’t even know what is offensive or appropriate.

    The only thing I can say about Australia is my first Lactation Consultant (Breasfeeding Nurse) was from Australia and she saved me from a lot of trouble and I loved her accent.

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  2. I have an Australian Shepherd and my boys play Australian Football but those are just smokescreens, really: Australian Shepherds are really a North American breed and the game seems to be overshadowed by rugby union even in its home land…

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  3. Ces…it’s a joke, albeit an Aussie joke. The only thing taken seriously Down Under is sport. And Beer.But those two are inseparable.

    Andrea…Show me a pic of your shepherd, please.Does it look like the wizened old guy in the Drizabone oilskin coat that featured in the Hollywood version of ” T.M.F.Snowy River.”??

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  4. andrea…OK, I just back-tracked to the Zappa post and saw your dog. I was thinking cattle dog, but Zappa is fluffy,ergo, a sheepdog.Unless, of course, you really DO have that old guy in a Drizabone…

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  5. i remember from high school that aussie guys are sexy as f***. it’s a combination of accent and stamina.
    thats all i know about australia.

    yay for australia!

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  6. FN… and now, you also know a little about green ants and national alcohol consumption.You had Aussies at high School? oops…let me rephrase that!

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  7. That’s funny!
    As an American now living in Canada, I can appreciate a country that doesn’t take itself too seriously.
    Yay Australia!
    Patty

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  8. how wonderful! I’m selling my Cypriot villa and moving at once – put the kettle on Polly, I’ll be with you by breakfast 🙂

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  9. Australian Cattle Dogs do loook like they belong in Australia — and are a real Australian breed but Zappa — I think he’s only indigenous to the kitchen, personally.

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  10. That was so brilliant…side splitting..wonderful…and funny because it is true.

    I have written a few posts on how Australia and Canada have similarities but Australia wwon the identity sweepstakes because it has both evolutionary and geographical isolation to draw from..

    if you don’t believe me name 20 things that are unique about Canada and Australia…you can do Australia in a minute but the Canadian items will run out around 6 or 7 and start sounding American..sad but true.

    We Canucks could be as unique as Aussies but we aren’t because we got away from one empire and now we are physically and culturally trapped being next to the latest Empire!!!
    What a fabulous synopsis of the the lanndownunnda!
    That was great.

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  11. Your blog is a hoot! From crazy Australians to green ants to green frogs. Great stuff!

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  12. Actually, not all canadians got trapped next to the current empire!

    …A few of us actually traded in our snow shovels and heavy undies and moved to the land downunder where we found that it is all true, it is beautiful one day and perfect the next,… by decree!

    …That said, I have nothing at all against those who live in the land of the free and home of the brave except some of their choices in politicians! They may not get it right all the time but I reckon that the world would be in rough shape without them!

    We have little reason to be joyful!

    …Some of ours are nothing to be proud of either!

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