Some people collect stamps. Others are avid hoarders of pictures of sportsmen.I knew a chap who claimed to have more than 150 photographs of Jayne Mansfield.*
I am fascinated by silly things. Badly-worded advertisements and on-air gaffs by radio and television commentators all find their way into my collection. Among my favourites, a notice in a chemist’s window for “ear-piercing while you wait.”
And how about “ten litre’s of ceiling paint.un-used.”
From last week’s wheelchair athletes’ competition in Osaka: ” He is just amazing.He hangs back at first, but he’s got a real kick to finish!”
Of course, it doesn’t always have to be ungrammatical. Clever is good.If it makes me chuckle, it’s “in.”
Like this gem, which has been around before, but seems to have been out of circulation for a few years. That’s why I’m sharing it on the blogs. Feel free to pass it along and if anyone out there is responsible for it, please let me know who you are so I can give you due credit.**
STANDARD PIPE AND FITTING SPECIFICATION.
(if in doubt, interpret to your own advantage.)
1. All piping to consist of a long hole surrounded by a minimum of ¼” of metal, which is to be concentric with the hole.
2. Pipes must be hollow throughout total length.
3. Each pipe must be of very best quality, extremely black tubing and perfectly tubular or pipular. Acid-proof piping to be made of acid-proof metal, eg, platinum, et cetera.
4. Pipes must be supplied minus water, steam or pulp, these being fitted inside pipe at a later date by our man-on-the-job. Similarly, all pipes must be supplied without rust, as this is more cheaply applied after handing over.
5. All castings to be of very best quality “battleship-grey” iron, close-grained closer than a brother, or someone else’s sister, and at least as malleable.
6. Castings must be free from blow-holes, air pockets, cavities, lumps, bumps, carbuncles, pock-marks, pin pricks, honeycombing, hives and bee manure.
7. If you can think of any other defects – we don’t want them either.
8. Flanges must have holes for bolts, the holes being quite separate from the big hole in the middle. If the flange is a blank one, the big hole in the middle must be filled up with metal.
9. All bolts must be screwed to a certain extent.
10. No bolts to be rivets.
11. Gaskets are to be supplied to fill the space between flanges.
12. The outside of all piping to be cleaned free of all protective coverings such as barnacles, greenfly, Spanish fly and pigeon droppings. This is necessary because we think it is necessary.
13. If diminutive fittings be packed in sacks, these self-same sacks must be whole and sound and vice versa. (viz: sound and whole.) Paper bags, windbags, handbags and Oxford Bags will not be tolerated. No sacks to be Cossacks or foot sacks.
14. All pipes over 100 feet long to have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end for the benefit of the Railway authorities.
15. For pipes over 2 miles long, these words should also be painted in the middle of the pipe. This is so that the aforesaid Railway authorities need not walk the entire length of the pipe to ascertain whether or not it is a long pipe.
16. All closers to be open at each end.
Drafting (or draughting) room to note above specifications
*Anyone much younger than 60 will probably have to google to know who she was.
**Don’t sue me – I’m broke.